Murder Me Twice

The first time came in the middle of spring. All of a sudden the flowers were beautiful when I've never looked at them before. Why? Because you were standing in the midst of them. No need for cologne, the air was sweet and fresh and that smell still reminds me of you. That smile was dangerous beyond measure. That wink captured me before I could look away. My life flashed before my eyes and broke into two eras- Before You and After You. Your gaze was wide-eyed when you pretended you didn't just commit two crimes- theft- of my heart. And murder- of my sorrow. You took a step forward and drove Cupid's arrow further into my chest, and there it remained. Your innocent guise, don't think I didn't see behind it. Behind the casual laugh and occasional shrug- you wanted me. And I could tell because every spontaneous remark was well-timed, every adorable gesture perfectly improvised. I see you rehearsed. Cunning. Desperate. But I bought it because I was desperate too. I thought myself unworthy of love, but you proved me wrong. You said "silly girl", and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I thought that sort of thing only happened in movies. Again, you proved otherwise. And so I took your open palm, blindfolded, and you led me away to the devil's wonderland. Because sometimes you have to follow your muse and I found mine. I should've seen how your eyes flashed and your teeth grinned, but I was under anaesthesia, love-in-idleness. We left spring in a ruin of withered posies with the petals to shrivel and die. But we never did. I can still see us in my head. Never to be brought back. 

And all of that was only the first time.

Winter came and filled your heart. I knew something was wrong when the furnace wouldn't warm me. You stalked in with a kind of wildness in your eyes, and that was the moment I knew that all between us was gone. The months and months of back and forth had all been leading up to this. I wasn't surprised. I knew the rollercoaster would crash any time now. So I let you in to say what you wanted to say. I listened, not to you, but to the accelerating rhythm of my heart while it could still beat. You raised the blade and I didn't flinch, because there was nothing left to lose. Your eyes whispered, "I loved you" and I whispered it back to you. Blood spilt across the room and I heard the knife clatter to the floor. For the first time in a long time I could see the roses again. They were all the crimson stains on the hearth could remind me of- you. And though spring is long gone I thought I could smell the sweet scent of flowers all around. I knew I was dying, but if all that we've built had to end, I'd rather end with it. It hurt and it bled and it burned where you wounded me, but it didn't sting as hard as the tears in my eyes, and nothing compared to the pain of my broken heart.

I realised that you were right. I was the silly girl. The girl who saw the red light and crossed the street anyway. The girl who heard the sirens and decided to stay. But I was desperate. Weren't we both? We are human after all. But life is cruel and gives no second chances. I fell into your trap with a warning sign before your net, and it goes to show that I can only laugh at me. What you brought was still more than what you took away, and if you ask if I would have done anything differently, my answer is no. 

You only live once, but you can die once more. You gave me love and I paid the price. Spring will return not how it did before, because I let you murder me twice.