Vulnerable

When you didn't smile this time after the battle

And took a longer while to stand back on your feet

I realised that you're vulnerable 

To things so commonly harmful to us

Things I never thought could harm you.

However well I know that there's no superhuman

You've always been superwoman to me

How you make every move with confidence

The way you fight like a glorious beast

And at the same time so gorgeous and kind, 

even gentle.

But I never thought I'd live to see you break.

When you walked home that night without a word,

smile or wave goodbye,

I felt your pain.

The pain that I've felt and we've all felt

At some point in our lives.

I thought you would conceal it 

And do it so well that I would never guess

But maybe it hurt too much to hide.

And when you spoke with that quiver in your voice that was usually calmer than an ocean,

It shook me

That you could feel and in the way I do

No, it isn't a crime to feel.

And I'm relieved that it relieved you

Of the emotions all bottled up inside

But still

When you trailed off mid-sentence

And your delicate face twisted

And your hand flew up to your eyes

I wanted to sink down with you.

But I can't.

Because it's my turn to be the pillar of support

To pull out the tissue

To squeeze your hand

And remind you that everything's going to be okay,

Like you've always done for me.

And as I held you in the arms that you mended,

I realised

That we can only truly know how strong someone has been

When they are vulnerable

Daisy Chain

When the sun settles down, its rays dreary and golden,

And the air crisp with evening dew

I'll be sitting here with a pocketful of thread 

Stringing up a daisy chain for you 

Many days you've spent on ploughing the meads

And harvesting crops for the few

Regardless of the fruit being sour or sweet

A field of roses waits here for you

Close your eyes and allow me to lay

A flower crown upon your heavy head

Permit the leaves to be your shelter,

The white petals to be your bed

And as the sky darkens and the tall trees rustle

The cool breeze slowing its pace

Blossoms rest in your silvery hair

Peace kissing your withering face

Oblivescence

Daze, my mind was a whirlwind

Days, they whizz by without warning

Many different places you saw through all my phases

But now you don't remember my face

Hands linked, we twirled through the hurricane

Forth drink, you said you don't know insane

You shot me sky-high but that was yesterday

Today you don't remember my name

Behind the spotlights are the dead-ends blurred

Blind oblivescence is the new last word

And though you're complicated you spin me with champagne

We tip the bottoms up and we begin it all again.

The Darkest Choice - Epilogue

Dear Clarisa, it read,

I’m sorry. I've tried everything I could, and I've been trying for too long. You've done your best to help me, and I think you're a wonderful person, but I just don't see how this is going to work out. I may appear moodier on some days and better on others, but the truth is my depression never does go away. I don't think we can force someone to keep holding on if it means for them to suffer for the rest of their lives. I've tried my best, you've tried your best, and I write this to tell you that I'm so sorry. I really don't mean to hurt you or my mother, you two are the only people I don't want to leave. I know it's selfish of me to do this after all we've been through, but I really don't have that strength to hold on anymore. From what I can tell there's never been a perceiver who survived depression, and I don't see what makes me so special that I can be the first. I’ll be the Darkness’ number one target. I won't last long anyway, it’ll be much wiser to surrender now. Once again I'm so sorry to upset you. It makes me sad that I have to go as well, but I just can’t see “the guiding light” after trying so hard to find it. Please don't take this personally. You’re absolutely amazing and you will continue to help lots of people, just not me.

Goodbye and thank you for everything.

Kathryn

The last line repeated itself in her head like a stuck record. Questions of where their weeks of progress had gone spun her round, and she thought she was going to lose her mind. As reality crumbled before her eyes, she nearly forgot that there was a second page.

Dear Clarisa, it continued,

That was a suicide note I wrote a day before our fifth session. During the forth one, you praised me for showing tremendous improvement, but honestly, at the time I was feeling the worst I had ever felt. I was ready to do it. I wrote two notes, one for my mom, but after an hour of contemplation, I decided to hold on for just one more day. Just one. I kept the notes in a drawer and went to bed. On the very next day, I realised that I could teleport.

Right now I can't believe I was that close to doing it. I didn't know what made me change my mind then, but now I believe that your influence is the only thing that could have stopped me. I've changed a lot since we first started out, and though my depression stays with me and probably will for the rest of my life, it's bothering me a lot less. I didn't know what I was holding onto, but because of you I held on anyway, and I guess that's all that matters.

This is probably unexpected, but thank you for bringing Jean-Simon Francis to my house and giving me the biggest fright of my life. Now that I've met him again after six years, he doesn't seem so scary anymore, though he's still an insufferable brute. But really, I felt much better after screaming at him, and if you'd never broken your promise I'd never be feeling this fine.

Please don't break it again though.

I’m really looking forward to becoming an active perceiver. Working with you isn't gonna feel like work at all, I can already imagine. But as I said before, I have zero confidence in being half as good as you are at this job. But that's okay. I'm already making elaborate plans on starting up that research centre in Germany.

You're the bravest, kindest, wisest and most beautiful person I know. I sound like a fangirl but it's true. It's known that the most beautiful people have gone through hell, and for a long time I’ve been wanting to know your story. That horrific night I realised that you could feel pain. I mean duh, everybody feels pain, but until then, you had never let yours show. I can tell that a few of the monsters of your past are still haunting you today, just as mine does. That was your Fact One, I think. Being the best perceiver in your department must be hard, and I want to remind you that since we're officially friends now, this relationship is two-way. I can be your counsellor whenever you need me to.

Just one question before I end this: If I had committed suicide, where would I have gone? What happens to me afterwards? Does the Darkness claim my soul? Does it conquer me, or am I invited to join it? Is suicide wrong? What makes it wrong? Would you have forgiven me if I’d done it?

I’ve forgotten that this is supposed to be a Christmas letter. Oops. 

Best wishes and happy holidays!

Love,

Kathryn

(P.S. I took your cat out to play while you were asleep last night. Don't worry, it wasn't harmed.)

~fin~

The Darkest Choice - Chapter Twenty-Five

Humming joyously, Jonas stacked the glasses onto a tray while the guests chattered noisily outside. Just a month ago, his freezing cold department was burning in flames, and now they were having a warm winter party at his place. It was quite unbelievable to him, but he was glad. He carried the tray of ten cups out to the living room and boomed,

“Drinks, everybody?”

He had made a variety of beverages; three types of coffee, peppermint and ginger tea, three hot chocolates with candy canes and special condiments, as well as a couple of surprise beers. The perceivers picked their drinks, some without knowing what they had chosen. In a second the tray was empty, and Jonas was about to return to the kitchen to get more when he spotted from the corner of his eye, a perceiver standing at the far end of the room with his arms folded. Jonas smiled, put the tray down on the dining table and made his way to him. He said good-naturedly,

“Leo, I don't think we need a flower on this well-decorated wall.”

The dull grey in Leo's eyes glanced up at him.

“You said just a few other perceivers were coming.”

“Change of plans,” Jonas’ eyebrows raised. “Since our department seems to be getting along so much better, I thought, why not?”

“You promised me food,” Leo grumbled.

Jonas laughed with a sigh. “The food's coming in ten minutes. Now why don't you join in the fun? Check out your presents. Tell the others about your latest assignment. Count the number of baubles on the tree.”

“There are twenty-seven.” Leo stated.

“Not bad,” Jonas chuckled at his degree of boredom. “Where’s Clarisa?”

Leo shrugged. He hadn't tried to perceive her location and didn't intend to.

“Probably working overtime.”

Jonas’ lip curled. “That sounds like her. Just hoping she doesn't miss the party.”

“Oh, she won't,” Leo muttered. He knew how much Clarisa loved parties. That was proven to be true when ten minutes later, she materialised with a glimmering blue light in the centre of the room, at the same time as the arrival of the food caterer. The house warmed up so much that they didn't need a fireplace, and the spotlight wasn't on the roast chicken. Clarisa was more than the life of the party. She greeted her colleagues first, talked with them, laughed with them, helped serve lunch, and even conducted a ten-minute tutorial on gift wrapping. Everyone piled her with presents of all sizes, too many for her to carry. They were later placed under the tree in a large shopping bag. He didn't even receive more than two. He wasn't envious of her, though he admitted feeling a little jealous of the crowd. So caught up in it she was that she hadn't noticed the wallflower standing in the corner of the room. Had she moved on that quickly? Because he hadn't, and he couldn't bear to watch the scene any longer.

He excused himself from the living room and walked out to the balcony behind the sliding doors. It was freezing there, but at least he had privacy. He slumped with his arms on the railing and looked out at the streets below. The last of the autumn leaves had already fallen, so the trees were bare, as were the sidewalks since everyone was indoors hiding from the cold. That left not much of a view to look at; there wasn't even snow.

Leo's thoughts found their way effortlessly to the events of two nights ago. He wondered if everything had changed between he and Clarisa, if he could ever strike up an ordinary conversation with her again. Or were they just going to keep avoiding each other and pretending they had never met? He knew that Jonas would never allow that; he and Clarisa worked too well together to be separated. Their leader would easily spot a hole in their relationship and encourage them to make up, and he didn't think Clarisa wanted a middleman any more than he did. Whatever it was, if they were hoping to fix things, Clarisa had to come to him.

And he was waiting.

* * *

The energy of the room had finally gone down; people were unwinding by the fireplace and chatting in small groups, a few still trying to pick the last scraps of log cake off the plate. Clarisa sat at the gift table with her chin resting on one hand, feeling contented and drained. Jonas came by with a bottle of champagne and sat down beside her.

“More?”

Clarisa shook her head with a smile.

“I can't have more if I haven't had any.”

“I see,” Jonas chuckled at her quip. He brought up gently, “Clarisa, I noticed that you haven't said hi to Leo.”

“I didn't know he's here,” she lied. She wasn't stupid. She had seen him walk out to the balcony.

“I just… can't help but find that there's something wrong between you two,” Jonas said tactfully. She sighed, knowing that he wasn't stupid either.

“Yes, there's…” she trailed off, thinking of what to fill into the blank. In the end she decided to leave it empty.

“There’s something.”

“I bet he's out there waiting for you,” Jonas grinned. “To make the first move.”

Clarisa stared at him thoughtfully, appreciating how he didn't force his way into the details. A minute later, a wan smile spread across her face as she changed the subject,

“I’ve got a present for you.”

“Ho ho ho, finally,” Jonas chuckled. Clarisa bent over and reached into the bag of gifts she had prepared. She pulled out a medium-sized square box, wrapped intricately with decorative layers and ribbons. Jonas held it in his hands and took a moment to admire the handicraft.

“Are you expecting me to rip this up?”

“If you want,” Clarisa smiled. To her surprise, Jonas tried to remove the wrapping paper neatly. It was going well, until he got to a strip of tape that refused to budge. Only then did Jonas tear through the paper with one violent yank. In it was a black box, and he removed the lid to stare blankly at its contents.

Clarisa sat back to watch his reaction. It went from utter confusion to a blink of surprise, then a burst of hearty laughter. He picked up the wooden figurine and let it stand on the table. As he grinned at it, Clarisa remarked in teasing singsong,

“Always playing the optimist...”

Jonas snorted. He smoothed the animal's back, then stroked its delicately carved trunk and tusks with his finger. He nodded in gratitude,

“Clarisa, I'll treasure this for a long, long time.”

* * *

He was close to shivering, and starting to reconsider waiting for her. But go back indoors? That didn't sound appealing either. He was rubbing his hands together, hoping to generate some warmth when a gentle voice greeted,

“Hey.”

Leo swallowed. Had she… had she possibly changed her mind? He turned his head halfway around and caught a glimpse of her golden hair before facing quickly back to the plain view. He responded in an undertone,

“Hi.”

He had no idea what to expect. Clarisa stepped onto the balcony and stood by the railing beside him. She pretended to be distracted by the streets, but it was a difficult task since there was nothing to see. She looked down at her winter boots and took a slow, deep breath.

“I'm sorry,” they said together. They turned to each other and broke into nervous laughter, which managed to knock down some of the ice.

“You first,” Leo gestured, then remembered the context and corrected himself embarrassedly. “Wait, I meant me first.”

“No, me first,” Clarisa insisted. She paused to summarise everything she had been wanting to tell him in her head before saying,

“I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we wanted. I hope you know my decision changes nothing about how much I appreciate you, and I hope you're okay with…  staying as friends.”

Of course he wasn't okay.

“Your decision is respected,” Leo dug his hands into his pockets in bashfulness. “I’m sorry if I was… too pushy.”

“You were absolutely not pushy,” Clarisa quickly assured him.

“The thing is, I truly enjoy being with you,” Leo said, failing to hide a tinge of disappointment in his voice. “Just as long as I still get to do that, I'm happy.”

Clarisa frowned, realising what he was worried about.

“I won't avoid you anymore," she promised. "Never again. And I certainly look forward to trying more of your dishes.”

A smile of relief lit up Leo's face. “So… close friends at best?”

Clarisa beamed sweetly back and was about to reply when a teenage girl appeared right beside them. Wide-eyed, the girl stared at the couple who were standing too close together not to let pass. She remarked,

“Did I just interrupt something again?”

The two quickly took a step away from each other.  Leo looked as stunned as a statue, while Clarisa laughed.

“You sure did.”

Before Kathryn had a chance to feel awkward, she added,

“But you're on time. Come with me.”

Clarisa turned and slipped her way through the sliding doors. Kathryn cast a look of amusement to Leo, who shrugged before they followed suit. She raised her eyebrows as it turned out that she had guessed right; Clarisa made her gatecrash a party. The adults in the room glanced her way, and some of them recognised her as she did them. She remembered that they were soon going to be her colleagues. Clarisa announced to the room,

“Hey everyone, this is Kathryn Martinez, and she's going to be a new perceiver in our department. She'd very much like to meet all of you.”

The crowd went forward to shake Kathryn's hand and say a few welcoming words. [Help me,] she sent desperately to Leo, who could do nothing but smile and feel sorry for her. Meanwhile, Clarisa had gone over to her bag and pulled out two presents. One of them was a huge box which she passed to Leo. He weighed it with his hands, and presumed that it had to be some sort of electrical device. He asked,

“What’s the price of this thing?”

“Affordable for a close friend,” Clarisa took the chance to smile her approval. “Merry Christmas Leo.”

With that, she disappeared into the crowd surrounding Kathryn, leaving him with the heavy box and a difficult dilemma.

* * *

“What did you do that for?” Kathryn whined after the perceivers had cleared, and Clarisa grinned mischievously.

“An efficient way to do a warm welcome,” she said. “I’ve got something for you, and I think you'll really like it.”

She handed Kathryn a flat, square shaped present, with a Christmas greeting attached to it.

“Let me guess,” Kathryn said immediately. “It's a CD.”

“That's right.”

“It's Taylor Swift's latest album!” Kathryn could barely contain her excitement.

“Very good,” Clarisa nodded with a smile. “Now it's no fun anymore.”

“Don't say that, I love this!” Kathryn bounced on the balls of her feet. “I'm sorry I didn't buy you anything… though I wrote you a note.”

“Kathryn, you know it's the thought that counts,” Clarisa said as Kathryn reached into her sling purse. She smoothed the piece of coloured paper before giving it to the recipient.

“Please read it when you're alone,” Kathryn told her rather seriously. “And don’t show it to anyone. Not anyone, or I'll never trust you again.”

“Alright Kathryn,” Clarisa assured, knowing that the teen never would indeed if she broke her promise a second time.

“Is there any food left?” Kathryn asked, and Clarisa looked around at all the empty trays.

“No, unfortunately,” she sighed. “But there’s some chocolate in a jar on the dining table.”

“Great, I'll take that,” Kathryn said, and was about to run off when she turned back to Clarisa and raised up her present.

“By the way, thanks a million!”

Clarisa beamed at her, and she dove for the chocolate jar. Leo was sitting at the table, staring at a huge box in his hands. As she tried with all her might to unscrew the lid of the jar, she asked,

“Did Clarisa give you that?”

Leo watched as Kathryn struggled and offered his help. With a sudden effort on his part, the lid was off. He replied,

“Yeah.”

Kathryn popped three chocolates into her mouth, and while chewing she asked,

“Did you get her anything?”

Leo shook his head, but replied, “I did, though I'm not sure if I should give it to her.”

“Why not?” Kathryn frowned.

“Well… I bought it a little too soon, and I don't think it would be appropriate.”

“What sort of gift wouldn't be appropriate?” she asked with her mouth full of a second round of chocolates. Leo replied succinctly,

“A gift that signifies something that it turns out we're not.”

Kathryn stopped chewing.

“Oh.”

So that was probably what they were discussing at the balcony. On one hand Kathryn was a little disappointed that her ship sank, but on the other, that made Leo available. She smiled at the thought, but stopped immediately when she remembered that he was right in front of her. After another moment’s pause, she told him,

“Give it to her anyway.”

Leo frowned at the suggestion, and Kathryn added,

“Tell her that it signifies something else.”

He continued to stare at her incredulously, and Kathryn stared back him.

“You can't give her nothing,” she pointed out with an eye roll. “Do you need me to pull her over here?”

Leo shot her a glare and rose up from his seat resolutely.

“Never thought you'd be giving me advice,” he said to her,

“But thank you.”

Kathryn chuckled to herself as Leo went off to do what he had to.

Clarisa was sitting in a chair and reading one of the many greeting cards their colleagues had written to her. As he approached her he hesitated again, but it was too late because she had already seen him. He took a deep breath before starting the conversation,

“It’s a coffee maker.”

Clarisa closed her greeting card and confirmed reluctantly,

“You're the second person to guess their present right today.”

Leo said mildly, “I suppose it's because you know us too well.”

He took a seat on the couch beside her and shared,

“I talked to my mom.”

Clarisa turned to him in excitement.

“And?”

“She passed out after the demonstration,” Leo revealed. “But when she came to, she told me she was proud of me.”

Clarisa smiled. “That's good, isn't it?”

“I think so,” said Leo. “That was yesterday. Right now she's still in the hospital.”

Clarisa froze. “I hope she's okay.”

“Oh, she will be,” Leo didn't want to worry her. “But besides that, thanks.”

Clarisa shook her head. “Don't mention it.”

Leo sighed. There was only one thing left to do. He pictured Kathryn's eye roll, and that gave him the courage.

“Clarisa, I… got you a present as well.”

Clarisa's blue eyes lit up, but even so, she sensed that something was wrong.

“The thing is, I was a little early to get it, and I was wondering if you'd accept it.”

Leo reached into his pocket, and she understood his nervousness the moment he revealed the gift. Her pulse stopped when he placed it into her hands, and carefully she opened the dainty little box. Sure enough, in it sat a sparkling ring, and though the jewels on it weren't real, they were iridescent and dazzling. She wanted to respond but her tongue was in a tight knot. Leo added,

“Just know that it signifies… friendship.”

After an eyeful of the precious item, she closed the box, her heart beating at its maximum capacity.

“Leo… thank you.”

There was no smile on her face, and he was worried that she didn’t like the gift. Clarisa had to admit that it took her by surprise, but she was in love with it all the same and didn’t want him to think otherwise.

“I really appreciate this," she whispered. "More than you know.”

Leo exhaled in relief for what he counted was the umpteenth time that day. He was beginning to wonder how long the so-established 'professional boundary’ was going to last, or if it even existed. They both felt a powerful grip on their shoulders, and needn't turn around to know who it was.

“I see things between you two are okay now?”

Clarisa smiled beatifically as she slipped the box into her pocket. “Since when have things between us not been okay?”

Jonas patted them both and nodded. “That's good then. Just hoping you’re enjoying your holiday. You guys deserve a break from this freakish year.”

“Oh, it was one hell of a year,” Leo groaned.

“Indeed,” Clarisa looked back, “But I learned a lot from it, honestly.”

“Something only Clarisa would say,” Jonas remarked. “I'm kidding. We’ve all learned that it's very important to get a second job.”

“And that we should start a mutiny if necessary,” Leo added matter-of-factly.

“I've learned…” Clarisa thought for a moment.

“Not to be too nice to some people.”

Leo and Jonas looked at her in amusement, and she added with a smile,

“And also to be nicer to some others.”

“You have been very nice, Clarisa,” Jonas assured her. “Number one on Santa's list.”

Clarisa turned to Leo, who looked back at her with slightly raised eyebrows. She wanted to respond with a witty remark or a confident smile, but finally settled on a private message to Leo and a look of sincerity into his deep grey eyes.

[I can still do better.]

The Darkest Choice - Chapter Twenty-Four

“Clarisa, are you…” Leo began hesitantly, “Are you heading anywhere?”

Clarisa smoothed her blond hair that had been mercilessly tangled by Hurricane Darkness as she replied,

“No. Why?”

Leo slipped his hands into his pockets and looked down at the pavement. He didn't know why he was doing this. She would just decline it, like she always did. On one hand he couldn't blame her; she was busier than he was. On the other hand, how could she possibly be occupied every time he asked her out? Still, if he didn't keep trying, the day would never come.

“Um, well…” he pretended to be distracted by a twig on the ground. “I was wondering if we could go to Stein's?”

Clarisa knew what Leo was getting at, and she was prepared with at least a dozen good excuses not to accept the invitation. But even she decided that this was going too far. They had been working closely together for three whole years, and they had never had a meal together, unless Jonas was with them. It was beginning to sound ridiculous, and that was only one reason why she wanted to shake things up a bit.

“But we've just been there a few days ago.”

Leo was stunned. For once it wasn't a straight no. He asked casually,

“What are you up for then?”

Clarisa changed her mind. In an attempt to take back her reply, she said,

“Actually, I feel like having home-cooked food.”

Leo thought on his feet,

“I can cook.”

Clarisa was not prepared for that. She raised an eyebrow,

“You can?”

“Simple things,” Leo shrugged. “Pasta, vegetable soup, omelettes, potato salad… That's about it, I think.”

Clarisa’s eyes widened with every dish he named. How could she back away now?

“I’ll... have whatever you're having,” her mouth blurted before her brain could stop it. They stared at each other, Leo in pleasant surprise, and Clarisa in sinking regret. None of them had expected this. They had stepped into unfamiliar territory, and had no clue how to proceed. From that moment on there was only improvisation. Finally, Leo prompted,

“Ready?”

Clarisa closed her eyes, and it took everything in her to force her mind to link with Leo's. As he led her away, she couldn't help but lament over how three years of self-restraint had just gone to waste. 

They arrived at a simple doorstep, and Leo said to her,

“Welcome to where I live.”

He glanced behind them to make sure that no one was around before disappearing into the house. Clarisa teleported after him to find herself in a humble studio apartment with a dull grey theme. There was only essential furniture, with neither decorations, nor mess, nor anything particularly striking. However, in the midst of the small, plain boring living room of his…

She felt at home.

“How long have you been living here?”

“Ever since I joined the organisation, which is about five years,” Leo said as he paced the floor. “I hope it's comfortable enough.”

Too comfortable, she thought.

“I’m going to make some pasta,” Leo decided. “Any choice of sauce?”

“Tomato,” she replied, and watched as he pulled out ingredients from the refrigerator and pantry. She thought he would impress her further by making the sauce from scratch, but he stuck to Prego, and she smiled.

“Who taught you to cook?”

“My mother,” Leo said as he began to chop up the onions with swift, skillful movements, “Well, she didn't exactly teach me, but I used to watch her.”

Her thoughts drifted quickly to the hallucination, or more accurately, to Leo’s fear. There wasn't a better time to bring it up.

“Leo, the assignment we did with Kathryn… Did the Darkness show you the same fear?”

Leo frowned as the unsettling visions swam in his pot of boiling pasta. “Yes,” he said plainly. “The very same one.”

The subject seemed uncomfortable to him still, and Clarisa was about to abandon it when he added,

“I understand it now.”

Clarisa looked up from her fingers and at him. Leo checked the pasta one more time before stepping towards the dining table.

“I have two elder brothers, both of them in respectable, high-paying positions. They're close to my parents and the four of them get along really well. None of them know about what I do, and they don’t insist on knowing it as long as I keep the money rolling in. But they're getting curious, because I've never been to college and this job is paying me nearly as much as my second brother's. And then suddenly there was the reduction in funds, so the Darkness probably used these insecurities against me.”

Clarisa nodded, though she couldn't help but notice that he hadn't revealed exactly what the insecurities were.

“You’re worried about what they’ll think of you if you mention teleportation, let alone an entire organisation that fights an invisible entity?”

Leo shook his head, realising that his situation was too personal for Clarisa to relate to. He said softly,

“I’m only worried about disappointing her.”

He went back to scoop up the pasta into bowls, then prepared to make the tomato sauce. Curiosity bubbled inside her as she watched his every move; she knew close to nothing about her closest colleague. More questions popped up in her head but she shot them all down. She could not afford to ask any more. So she scrutinised the apartment in search for some answers, but there was nothing to reveal- no picture frames on the mantelpiece or souvenirs stuck on the refrigerator. There wasn't even a coffee machine- something she thought an addict like Leo ought to have. There was, however, the tip of a trouser leg sticking out from underneath the sofa. She let out a giggle, and Leo glanced up at her.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing,” she said. “It’s just… Do you normally keep your house this neat?”

Leo’s eyes fell upon the giveaway item and his lip curled in embarrassment.

“I always keep it neat. Only neater on... some days.”

Clarisa froze at the thought of Leo tidying his house at the last minute to make it look presentable for her, even when there was just a slightest chance of her coming. That must have been many days of wasted effort, she thought.

A sweet and sour aroma of tomato filled the air. In less than fifteen minutes, Leo had arrived at the table with two bowls of hot tomato sauce spaghetti, complete with meatballs, mushrooms and garlic.

“Dinner is served,” Leo announced as he laid down the rest of the cutlery. Clarisa smiled at the appetising colours presented.

“It looks and smells good already.”

“Tell me if it tastes bad,” he said as he sat down opposite her. Famished, they picked up their forks and devoured their first mouthful of pasta. There was a hint of thoughtfulness in Clarisa's eyes, which Leo supposed had to be a good thing. After swallowing she commented,

“It's nostalgic.”

How nice. His pasta evoked nostalgia. Leo said with a grin,

“My mom does it even better.”

For ten minutes Clarisa was lost in the warmth and comfort of the meal. Maybe she was hungry, maybe the food was gratifying, but her guardedness fell and she stopped resisting the urge to enjoy herself. When that happened, the pleasantness of the whole experience heightened. After some time, she said,

“Have you thought about telling her?”

“That her pasta is better?”

Clarisa smiled. “You could tell her that as well. But have you considered letting her know about your job?”

Leo shook his head grimly.

“How believable it is is one thing,” he said. “How acceptable is another.”

Clarisa put down her fork and said gently,

“Leo, if she really does believe it, she'd understand what a noble job it is.”

Leo looked down as he pondered on her words, and after some meatball munching, he realised that she was right. Someone who understood their work completely would definitely see it that way. But how was he to make his mother understand?

At least Clarisa had reduced two problems into one, and he was grateful for that.

Very soon the food was finished and the utensils were cleaned and put away. They sat at the table facing each other, trying to think of what to say next. Leo was the first to give up, and decided to simply appreciate Clarisa’s presence in his living room, and marvel at the fact that his partner in fieldwork had finally come to dinner with him, after three long years. She looked absolutely dazzling under the flavescent ceiling light, which made her face glow and her golden hair glisten even more radiantly. The locks were still a bit tousled from the assignment, and he liked it that way. It was the imperfections that made her perfect. He didn't need conversation so soon, but Clarisa began softly,

“Leo, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time, but… I haven't.”

Leo felt as if this sentence had been sitting on the verge of her lips since the day they met.

“What is it?”

He deserves to know, she told herself. After everything he did for her, and the countless number of times he had saved her life, he deserved an explanation. She replied sotto voce,

“Why I've been avoiding you.”

Leo pretended to be surprised.

“You've been avoiding me?”

“This is the first time we've dined together in the three years we've known each other,” Clarisa said simply. She knew that he knew, and wasn't about to point out the obvious to him.

“So I've noticed.”

Ha. He wasn't about to deny it either.

“I made a promise to myself the day I became a member of your team,” Clarisa paused, then asked,

“Are you ready to hear a long story?”

Leo had been waiting for this moment for ages. He nodded,

“Of course.”

Clarisa took a deep breath, then let the events, still fresher than ever in her mind, play out in words.

“When I was fifteen, I was hypersensitive to negativity and exceedingly idealistic. It was like living life with ten times the emotional intensity. I felt others’ feelings as they felt them, and I cared too much about other people for my own health. All I wanted was for the world to be perfect and for everyone to be happy. I couldn't understand why there was evil in the world and why people did and said things they knew were wrong. I would get upset easily if things didn't go the way I wanted, or if people’s behaviour fell short of my expectations. I’d be mentally unstable if someone else in the room was in a negative frame of mind. Naturally, I was extremely vulnerable to the Darkness. There was a time when a terrorist bombing was screened on television, and I literally drowned.”

Leo’s eyes widened.

“Is that how you knew about the Darkness?”

Clarisa shook her head. “No. I lost consciousness, and when I woke up I was in a hospital. My parents were very worried about me, and even the doctors couldn't tell what happened to me. Things only got worse from then on, until one day I found myself trapped in a bird cage by the Darkness. I was stuck in there for six hours at least, until I was rescued by Kit.”

Leo could have sworn he heard that name before...

“He was the same age as me, and he could control all the black stuff- what we both called the Darkness. He said that he saw potential in me; he taught me how to control my own emotions and trained me to become an active perceiver at fifteen. After school we'd meet up anywhere in the world to fight the Darkness, and every time it got easier. He left a lasting impression on me, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for him.”

From her tone of voice Leo knew things didn't end well between them.

“What happened?”

The anguish of the memory made her frown a little, and her eyes lowered.

“It was just an ordinary day during the weekend. We were seventeen, and we were fighting a manifestation in the form of a forest fire. Things were going smoothly; nothing at all about the assignment seemed difficult. We were so powerful back then, the flames extinguished with the touch of our hands. I never saw it coming. We were about to take on the next fire when Kit suddenly fell down, and he was dead.”

Leo froze at the abruptness.

“Just like that?”

“Yes.” Clarisa's frown deepened. “I never understood it. He was the one who taught me to be brave and hopeful, and the last thing I would have expected was for him to give in to the Darkness. I couldn't believe it at first, but from what the creature said at the alley, that has to be what happened.”

Leo hated seeing Clarisa so dejected. He tried to comfort her,

“The creature could just be bluffing. You'd never know the truth as long as he never told you.”

The locked boxes of regret were trembling in the forbidden room of her mind.

If only she had found out more about him. If only she had asked him how he was doing that day. If only she had been there for him as he had been for her.

She locked up the room.

“I was deeply affected by it, but I moved on quickly enough to pursue an education in counselling the following year, and I continued to fight the Darkness alone. He might be gone, but the light he gave to guide me never will. At nineteen, I was offered the job at our organisation, and I accepted it.”

“Without asking for any pay,” Leo added with a half-smile.

“Many things here are different compared to working alone,” Clarisa shared. “On one hand it's more efficient and organised, but on the other, there’s too much bureaucracy, and most perceivers here aren't passionate about what they do.”

“Let's just hope with the new policies, that soon changes,” Leo remarked on a brighter note. The corners of Clarisa's lips turned faintly upward. Now came the essence of her story, and she felt her pulse beginning to race. She looked Leo in his grey eyes as she continued,

“After two years of working for Kyle, I got assigned to Jonas’ team, and I met you. You're a perceiver who’s dedicated, fiercely loyal, and behind that cold front… you’re caring. And that's something I don't often see in our department.”

At the mention of his cold front, Leo put it on. But inside he was flattered.

“You're different from Kit, but I take joy in working with you all the same. Your powers might not be almighty, but your resilience and determination are what really inspire me. Sometimes… you remind me of him.”

Oh no, should she have added that? Leo's eyes shifted uncomfortably, and he inferred,

“So... is that why you've been avoiding me? Because I remind you of the pain?”

She held her breath. Leo was right only to a certain extent, therefore confirming his answer would be lying to him. She whispered in a timidity so unlike what Leo had known of her,

“Because I'm afraid to love and lose someone again.”

For a minute their eyes couldn't look elsewhere. The confession struck him like a barrier, but slowly sank into his skin, making him shiver. Clarisa's cheeks were flushed pink and he thought she couldn't look any prettier. They had gone too far to retreat, and yet she didn't intend to proceed in the direction they were apparently advancing in. Sure enough, Leo revealed shyly,

“I'm not sure if you already know this, but I’ve liked you ever since our first assignment together. You could say that I'm hardworking, but ‘determination’ is something I only learned from you. You're the reason I wake up every morning, besides coffee, and I counted myself lucky to get every Clarisa assignment I could, even if it's one of the most hellish ones. It was always worth it, as long as I got to be with you.”

Clarisa felt herself melt and her heart tear apart.

“Leo…”  

“Has it ever occurred to you... that I could be the one to lose you first?” Leo supposed. “In our profession there is always that risk of losing each other. It's a great one, and it's unavoidable, but I think I'm willing to take the risk. And I was wondering since you came to dinner tonight for the first time, are you still afraid?”

Clarisa bit her lip, and there was the look of confliction in her eyes that Leo had seen more than once before. It perplexed him that after overcoming the Darkness of the entire fieldwork department, she could still feel afraid. Out of the blue a motivational quote flashed in his mind,

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

Now where did that mumbo jumbo come from?

Wait, hadn't Clarisa quoted it herself?

Then practice what you preach, Clarisa, Leo thought. Go for it.

Had she heard his thoughts? Because Clarisa had risen from her chair and was motioning towards him, so swiftly he couldn't prepare himself. Like a princess she bent forward, touched the side of his face with her fingertips and leaned in an inch at a time, until very gently…

They met.

His mind zoned out, and he let time take as long as it wanted to while they experienced heaven. It scared him at first, but the gesture turned out so delicate, as if her soft, sweet lips were about to break away any moment. The urge to reciprocate was compelling his every muscle. As tenderly as he could, he complied, and all the pieces of perfection fell into place. To his relief, Clarisa only withdrew after what felt like a satisfying amount of time. Slowly he breathed in and opened his eyes, surprised to see a deep frown framing Clarisa's face, and her blue eyes rimmed with red. She took a step backwards and uttered in a rueful voice,

“I’m still afraid.”

Leo blinked. The picture of perfection shattered back into a million pieces. Her taste still lingered on his lips, and he pursed them in embarrassment.

“Oh.”

They started another staring contest, and after half a minute, Clarisa lost it in an attempt to blink back her tears. She realised that staying any longer would only elevate the tension. Restrainedly she told him,

“Thank you, Leo. For the dinner, for inviting me over, for... everything.”

Leo stared on, mixed feelings washing over him in high tides. He couldn't believe that they had come so far only to come this far. But more than that, he felt her pain, and he knew that behind her self-defence was a deep longing no different from his own. He meant it sincerely, but it came out in an unintended curtness,

“And thank you for coming.”

Whether she was affected by it, he couldn’t tell because she was already near coming undone. Hoping that he understood her need to excuse herself, Clarisa said urgently,

“I have to go.”

Leo understood completely. He nodded, but his head remained down afterwards.

“See you... on Christmas Day then.”

She had forgotten that it was Christmas Eve Eve. She didn't think she would be ready to meet him again so soon. But she said anyway,

“See you then.”

Clarisa teleported directly to her bedroom, and once she felt the change of air around her, her hands flew to her face and she shrank to the floor beside her bed.

She was a coward and she knew it.

They were so close. It was going so well. Everything was perfect. And she ruined it, because of the past that she couldn't let go of. She’d rather not have another lover if it meant that he could be taken away; she wasn't going to risk it. A professional distance kept them from danger, but also kept her heart from where it belonged.

She had chosen to play it safe, at the same time choosing to be alone once again. With every tear that dripped to her clothes, she felt the room temperature drop accordingly. She looked up from her hands to see that powdery black flakes were floating down from the ceiling and settling onto the floor and furniture. One flake gently landed onto her sleeve, and she felt it with her fingers.

It was black snow.

She didn't worry too much about her emotions attracting the Darkness, because she knew that she could easily subdue it if she chose to, as and when she was ready. But just this once, she allowed herself some time to fall apart.

Two different faces. Two different pairs of eyes. Two different personalities, but both with the same good heart. Each of her sobs released a whiff of snow into the room, and soon there was a sufficient supply of it on the floor to make snow angels. As she thought of all the missed opportunities, another box was added to the room of regret without her consent.

With the icy wind licking at her skin, and her soul smothered by sorrow, she realised that the Darkness had not taken Leo away from her, but prevented her from having him anyway.