Starving Light - Prologue

Clarisa looked out at the city, her woolen sweater sleeves wrapped round her knees, as she sat by the window. Morning sunlight had just begun to trickle in. Mist circled the high-rise buildings, leaving only their roofs visible. 

She struggled to forget. She'd thought it possible to sleep the memory off, that her mind would awaken feeling calmer and clearer. But instead the scene resurfaced the moment she opened her eyes, haunting her with twice the intensity. Against her will, the meeting from last evening played itself again...

~

There he was, standing there at the edge of her living room. He looked real- almost- there was something unearthly about the way his frame fit into the surroundings, as if it were outlined by shadow. Oh, but his face! His face appeared just as it did eight years ago- those very same distinct features that she could never erase, even if it took her a lifetime. He hadn't changed one bit, and that sent a shiver down her spine. Her lips parted slightly as she tried to greet him, but closed again when she wasn't sure if she'd be calling the right name. 

But who else could it be?

"Kit," she breathed.

"It's me," he began calmly, taking extra care not to startle her. He inched forward and so did the ghostly shadow around him. Clarisa flinched, though what startled her was not the movement, but the unmistakable look of guilt which he failed to hide from his face. 

"Kit?" she said again. She could feel the blood rushing to her head, causing it to throb.

"I know what you must be thinking about me, " Kit went on. By this point it was clear that all her suspicions had been true. 

"I'm sorry."

The two words rendered her unable to think any further thoughts.

"But Clarisa, it's not as bad here as we used to believe," Kit moved closer towards her. "In fact, I'd say it's... better."

Clarisa's brows furrowed into a grimace, all composure lost. She shook her head desperately,

"You don't know what you're saying..." 

"It's easier here, really," Kit told her earnestly. In his eyes were a deep affection and concern for his former lover. "Life is better here. I'd never lie to you, you know I never would."

She knew it indeed, and that was exactly what she feared. Tears sprang to her eyes.

"No..." she said, half in reply to Kit, half in an attempt to convince herself.

"Trust me." His voice was firm yet gentle, the same voice that had been her own inner voice, telling her to never give up. 

"We have to give up. It's the only way."

Clarisa whimpered, in an inability to do much else, 

"You left me!"

"Come with me," Kit tried to touch her hand, but Clarisa backed away before he could. "We'll be together, just on the other side."

"You're not Kit!" she cried, once again, more in an attempt to convince herself. It was the best explanation. He wasn't the boy she once knew. 

"I missed you." a tear had slipped out from the corner of Kit's eye. He honestly missed her, as much as she did him. "If only you could see the Darkness from my perspective."

"Leave me!" she sobbed. She couldn't allow herself to listen to him for another second, not unless she wanted to believe his words. "Leave me and don't come back!"

Kit paused, as if waiting for her to change her mind. But when that didn't happen, he stepped away from her sadly.

"Don't come back," she repeated, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. She buried her face in her knees and continued to sob. 

~

Now she felt the irresistible urge to cry again, but was afraid that once she started, she wouldn't be able stop. So instead, she got up, made her bed and proceeded to the bathroom to wash her face. She stood before the mirror, and her reflection stared back at her with haunted blue eyes. It had only one question for her:

What do you believe in? 

The answer used to come so quickly, effortlessly, that the question needn't even be asked. But this time, if she were to answer it in the same way, she would be lying to herself.

Something she pledged never to do.

So she shook her head at her reflection and whispered back,

I don't know.

Only This Once

Drops of wakefulness 

Trickle into the night

Only this once

They are invited

Breaths of yearning

Escape into the air

Only this once

I allow them

Tears of relief

Drip onto the sheets

Just this once

I ignore them

Palpitations of excitement

Fill my room with life

But only this once

They are welcome

A New Friend

I see a girl in a corner

sitting by herself

hugging her knees

crying

Quietly, I approach her

and she shrinks further into the shadows

because she doesn't trust anyone 

or anything

Especially not me.

I reach my hand out to her

and for a moment her sad eyes brighten

before they turn away

She's fallen for tricks before

She's not falling for one more

"Hey,"

I say,

"I was wondering if you..."

She shivers.

"I was wondering if you wanted..."

She inches towards the door.

"I was wondering if you wanted to be..."

She's ready to make a run for it.

"... friends."

But she's not ready for that last word.

Slowly, she faces me, her widening eyes brimming with tears

"Fr... Friends?"

I nod.

"With... me?"

I nod again, and can't help but blink back a tear of my own.

Carefully, she rises from the floor

The floor she hasn't left ever since she last got dumped there.

I hold her tight

And she hugs, even tighter,

Not onto her knees for once

But her new friend

And I remember how I used to be that girl, but she made friends with me.

The Senecan Tragedy

The path his light has shone on, we must go 

Where the man himself has gone, do not follow 

For the actions and words are tangled, and hardly conform.

Through devoted study of this Philosofigure

I have found, to my delight 

Things that bind we two together 

An advisor, wordsmith, thinker 

whose visions strangely coincide 

Though what keeps us apart 

is that his Fate is stained and sealed, 

while my slate is clean 

and lies in wait.

I hear the choruses sing,

their voices high as if to warn, 

'Take care on your journey, keep up your guard, 

Ambition is ready to trap!' 

'Careful I'll be,' I call back 

'Nature and Reason are by my side.' 

But well aware I am 

that virtue is proven by action 

Not by empty promises, prose or aimless preachings.

And if all goes according to Logos 

I would have tread the path he has shown,

Let nothing tarnish my soul 

And looked Death tranquilly in the eye.

Vulnerable

When you didn't smile this time after the battle

And took a longer while to stand back on your feet

I realised that you're vulnerable 

To things so commonly harmful to us

Things I never thought could harm you.

However well I know that there's no superhuman

You've always been superwoman to me

How you make every move with confidence

The way you fight like a glorious beast

And at the same time so gorgeous and kind, 

even gentle.

But I never thought I'd live to see you break.

When you walked home that night without a word,

smile or wave goodbye,

I felt your pain.

The pain that I've felt and we've all felt

At some point in our lives.

I thought you would conceal it 

And do it so well that I would never guess

But maybe it hurt too much to hide.

And when you spoke with that quiver in your voice that was usually calmer than an ocean,

It shook me

That you could feel and in the way I do

No, it isn't a crime to feel.

And I'm relieved that it relieved you

Of the emotions all bottled up inside

But still

When you trailed off mid-sentence

And your delicate face twisted

And your hand flew up to your eyes

I wanted to sink down with you.

But I can't.

Because it's my turn to be the pillar of support

To pull out the tissue

To squeeze your hand

And remind you that everything's going to be okay,

Like you've always done for me.

And as I held you in the arms that you mended,

I realised

That we can only truly know how strong someone has been

When they are vulnerable

Daisy Chain

When the sun settles down, its rays dreary and golden,

And the air crisp with evening dew

I'll be sitting here with a pocketful of thread 

Stringing up a daisy chain for you 

Many days you've spent on ploughing the meads

And harvesting crops for the few

Regardless of the fruit being sour or sweet

A field of roses waits here for you

Close your eyes and allow me to lay

A flower crown upon your heavy head

Permit the leaves to be your shelter,

The white petals to be your bed

And as the sky darkens and the tall trees rustle

The cool breeze slowing its pace

Blossoms rest in your silvery hair

Peace kissing your withering face

Oblivescence

Daze, my mind was a whirlwind

Days, they whizz by without warning

Many different places you saw through all my phases

But now you don't remember my face

Hands linked, we twirled through the hurricane

Forth drink, you said you don't know insane

You shot me sky-high but that was yesterday

Today you don't remember my name

Behind the spotlights are the dead-ends blurred

Blind oblivescence is the new last word

And though you're complicated you spin me with champagne

We tip the bottoms up and we begin it all again.